Pumpkins Suck!

by jnicholi

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I hate pumpkins! In my entire life I think I carved a pumpkin a total of two times. I haven’t carved a pumpkin since I was a kid because of the horrible memories I have from the two times I carved one. I remember it being an extremely unpleasant experience. There is nothing entertaining or pleasant about carving a pumpkin.

Before you can even begin carving you must first cut the top of the pumpkin off which reveals the appalling stench of the insides of this awful vegetable. Once the top is open you must extract the insides by sticking your hand into the hole and ripping out the stinky, slimy guts and throwing them on top of the newspaper under the pumpkin. After the insides have been cleaned out, you can begin carving the pumpkin. Being a kid when I first carved a pumpkin, I could not easily carve it with the little pumpkin knife I was given. I had to jam the knife into the pumpkin and work at sawing using the knife as a saw to finally create a hole, which I would call an eye or mouth. Finally, it is finished and the awful looking, disfigured pumpkin can be set on the porch only to get even more disgusting looking by curling up and growing all sorts of things inside of it. I blame all of my emotional problems on these two times I was forced to carve a pumpkin on Halloween.




Maybe the idea of pumpkin carving wouldn’t sound so unappealing to me if we had carved pumpkins the way Ray Villafane carved pumpkins. The 3-d pumpkins not only look much better than those with holes in their face, they also do not need to be gutted first. Ray gives a pumpkin carving tutorial that explains everything you need to know to create those awesome looking 3-d pumpkins.





I definitely do not possess the same talent this artist does in carving fruits and vegetables. But I still suspect that if my parents had carved 3-d pumpkins when I was a kid I might be a well-adjusted adult that is not repulsed by pumpkins. Well, probably not.